Motherhood is often celebrated as a beautiful and fulfilling journey. However, behind the scenes, many mothers may struggle with internal battles, such as perfectionism. The need to be perfect in every aspect of motherhood can be deeply rooted in past trauma. Understanding this connection can explain why some mothers experience such intense pressure to excel in their roles and how they can begin to heal.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a psychological trait characterized by a striving for flawlessness, often accompanied by critical self-evaluation and concerns about others' evaluations. In the context of motherhood, perfectionism can manifest as the need to be the "perfect" parent, maintain an immaculate home, or ensure children excel in all areas of life at the cost of a mother’s emotional and psychological well-being.

Trauma and Perfectionism

Past trauma can shape our beliefs and behaviors in various aspects of life, including motherhood. Leeners and colleagues (2009) stated that the presence of trauma (e.g., sexual/domestic violence) is now an established risk factor for adverse pregnancy, delivery, and parenting outcomes.

Here's how trauma can drive perfectionism:

1. Fear of Failure: Trauma can create a heightened fear of failure or making mistakes. This fear can translate into perfectionism, as mothers may strive for perfection to avoid feelings of inadequacy or shame associated with failure.

2. High Standards: Mothers who have experienced trauma may set unrealistically high standards for themselves as a way to prove their worth, protect themselves from further harm, or even try to correct their past childhood traumas through their children.

3. Control and Safety: Perfectionism can provide a sense of control and safety. Mothers who have faced trauma may seek to control their environment and outcomes to manage anxiety or uncertainty.

4. Internalized Criticism: Trauma can lead to internalized criticism, where mothers may constantly judge themselves harshly. This can drive them to strive for perfection to silence their inner critic.

5. Comparison and Validation: Mothers who have experienced trauma may compare themselves to others and seek external validation. This can lead to a never-ending pursuit of perfection as they try to meet perceived societal or cultural expectations.

Overcoming Perfectionism in Motherhood

Recognizing the connection between trauma and perfectionism is the first step toward healing. Here are some strategies for mothers to overcome perfectionism:

1. Seek Therapy: Professional therapy can help mothers explore and heal from past trauma. Therapists can also provide tools to manage perfectionism and self-criticism while making room for the unhealed parts of yourself.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Mothers can learn to be kinder to themselves and embrace their imperfections. Self-compassion involves acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and that it's okay not to be perfect. After all, you need to be a “good enough mother.”

3. Set Realistic Expectations: Instead of striving for perfection, mothers can set achievable goals and prioritize what's most important. This can help alleviate the pressure to excel in every area of life.

4. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Mothers can work on challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with more balanced and positive perspectives. Working with a licensed therapist is one way to develop these skills.

5. Create Supportive Connections: Connecting with other mothers and sharing experiences can provide a sense of community and validation. Local support groups can offer encouragement and reduce feelings of isolation. Follow mothers on social media who normalize their motherhood experience.

6. Focus on Progress, Not Perfection: Mothers can celebrate their progress and growth instead of aiming for perfection. This shift in focus can lead to greater satisfaction and well-being. Remember that a mother is born when a child is born; therefore, a mother grows in her motherhood experience.

Conclusion

Perfectionism in motherhood can be a complex issue rooted in past trauma. Understanding this connection can help mothers begin their journey toward healing and self-acceptance. Mothers can learn to embrace their imperfections and find joy in their journey by seeking support, practicing self-compassion, and setting realistic expectations.

“Motherhood is the ultimate confrontation with yourself. Whatever is there to discover at the bottom of your soul, whether dross or treasure, motherhood will help you find it.”― Lisa Marchiano, Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself.

For more on this topic, I love Lisa Marchiano's book Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself, which speaks to the motherhood experience, and Kelly McDaniel's Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance. 

At Hearth Counseling & Consulting, our trained professionals assist in managing perfectionism, trauma, and motherhood. Reach out if you would like to schedule a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation: https://www.hearthcc.com/contact

 

Written by Marina Cline, LCMHC, PMH-C

 REFERENCES

(Leeners, Richter-Appelt, Imthurn, & Rath, 2006; Lev-Wiesel, Chen, Daphna-Tekoah, & Hod, 2009)

Athan, A. M. (2020). Reproductive identity: An emerging concept. American Psychologist, 75(4), 445-456 https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2020-29966-003.html